Tonight I enjoyed a pilgrimage for peace that I've made many times. There was no intended destination; no Mecca I sought. Simply the freedom and joy that I find in the journey (more about that here, if you wish). Meandering down the moonlit road, waves crashing on crumbled stone, music resounding in time to the salty wind in my hair: this is peace. For me anyway.
As I partook of these rare moments, I released many of things that have been weighing on my mind of late. For the last 27 days I've been working on a self-improvement project that demands time daily. More than most who follow my progress would imagine. I'm suffering from much self imposed pressure to not quit, as I have so many other things in life. This pressure exists despite my enjoyment of the tasks. The fear I'll forsake my intention has caused me unrest. However I've also noticed something else. Something very good.
The goal of this undertaking is simply to become a better man. I've no archetype set in mind, just a desire to change. I grew weary of my sad existence. By this I mean no insult to my life. I was earnestly carrying less hope and more desperation than I ever had before. 2010 was unkind in most every conceivable way. Not to mention that it concluded with all of my possessions being either trashed, stolen, or made to fit in a duffel bag that as I type this am remembering I'm not it's rightful owner. (oops. sorry Janell...)
This past month of actively and daily pursuing minor goals to improve myself has already had effect, only not how anticipated. My mindset has been altering itself without my consent. I would give protest if I still held to the naivety of proposing I know best. Experience has taught me better. No, I have been been pleasantly surprised by my change of mind. The world seems somehow different; somehow fresh. The best way I know to describe this is to return to my tale of pilgrimage...
As I coursed down the lane, shifting between gears and singing to no one, I found a true appreciation for what was around me. I gazed at the moon with the awe of a child, heard the breaking of the surf anew, and laughed as if it were my first. I'm discovering myself ready to move forward from the harrowing setbacks of recent history as a different man, a new man. As such, everything is new. Everything is fresh. Everything is waiting.
If you've read this far, perhaps you'll be willing to humor me a few more minutes. This song has not only been an anthem of mine for a long time, but the video (which I literally just found this evening) is one of the most accurate emotional depictions of the last year of my life I can think of. The year really did start great... before all hell broke loose.
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