It's the Waiting that Kills Me

Discontent has been upon me for the last few days. Today I find myself downright depressed. For several weeks I've been formulating plans and it does appear circumstances will be getting better. But in the meantime I feel as if I'm literally stuck in limbo.

Classes are under way again, but that is about it. I've not been able to find a job and I don't know anyone in this city. No money and no friends leads to a pretty miserable existence. Few obligations, no time constraints, and minimal bills may sound great to a lot of people. But a life void of the benefits of stability, responsibility and security is emptier and less satisfying than most will ever know. I am aware that things will not remain in this state, yet I can't help feeling that I'm wasting time. There is a reason that this line of thinking has arisen today.

I recently decided that I want to improve myself and become a better man. I began documenting 99 Gifts that I would give to myself - small things that I could do each day to make me a better person in the 99 days leading up to my birthday. I've been having trouble coming up with things and putting it off until later in the day, making both my effort toward and documenting of the tasks suffer for it. Because of this, I decided that today's gift would be to start developing the habit of making a to do list. I started reading around online for different reasons and benefits to making these lists and was reminded of another list that many people have: things to accomplish before they turn 30. Thus was the mental low point of my day.

I am just over four years away from my 30th birthday and I feel, in a word, pathetic. I look at what so many others have accomplished by now. I thought that by the time I turned 30 I'd have been married for a few years, begun a family, and command a good job. I'm not entirely certain how much of that can be accomplished in the next few years. For those who still linger over some romantic idea of the situation I've been in, of the wandering rogue, let me spell it out for you. I am currently a homeless, unemployed college sophomore with no savings & massive school debt. I am single with no prospects and batting a thousand when it comes to rejection. I have no friends around me and pass the hours in solitude. I do not know where I will end up or what I will end up doing. I'm getting older, and I find it very difficult not to compare myself to others. To be fair, I knew what I was walking into when I packed up and left Texas. But I also knew I had no other choice. That's the bad.

Here's the good: I trust God, and I know that this is not permanent. Also: I like myself. Yes. I want money. I want friends. I want a family. I want a job. I want security. Those things are lacking now. However I know that things can change in an instant, and I'm hoping any moment now that they do.

But as I'm learning - it's the waiting that kills me.